Are your friends about as well off as you? Are they more poor or more rich? Does this interfere with your friendship? At this point, I’m about equal with my friends, maybe actually more on the poor side because of my choices, but I can’t help but shake the thought that “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with” Does that mean if I hang out with 5 millionaires all day, I will also become a millionaire? If your friends get significantly richer or significantly poorer than you, will you still be best friends forever?
Whether you agree or disagree, it may be interesting to consider your friends and family in relation to money. Obviously there are a lot of different styles of relationships and we can’t generalize about human interaction and psychology in a blog post, but we can still ponder it and share our experiences.
In a way this reminds me of the housing market. As a Realtor it was common knowledge that if you built a house, you didn’t want to be the most expensive one on the street because it had a negative affect on the value of your home. However if you were on the lower end of the neighborhood it would positively increase your value since there was a tendency to gravitate to the mean. So does the same thing happen with your friends?
Being Friends with Someone Much Richer Than You
They drive a mercedes, have a 10,000 sq ft house, and take vacations to the Carribbean every 2 months. You drive a 6 year old kia, rent an apartment, and take a road trip to the next state over maybe once a year. Could you be friends? I think they made a movie about this… Envy…
The problem I see with this type of relationship is envy, jealousy, and an inability to relate to each other since you have different experiences. Maybe this just cultivates a completely different type of relationship where you’re friends based around a certain activitiy, but when the friend starts talking about the Carribbean… you won’t be able to relate. Friendships are largely based around how other people make you feel, so if your rich friend rubs in that he/she is rich, it’s likely to be a short lived friendship. However if it isn’t brought up much and you participate in activities that are similar without having a feeling that you’re missing out, it probably wouldn’t hurt the friendship.
Being Friends with Someone Much Poorer Than You
If you’re friends with someone much poorer than you who’s struggling, are you a bad friend if you don’t help them out? This might become a burden since your friend can’t do a lot of the things you want to do. Want to go kayaking in Colorado? Not going to happen if your friend is too poor to do it. I suppose it depends more on lifestyle associated with how you use your money more than it does with how much money you have. Kinda like the folks in the millionaire next door who lead simple lives that don’t require a lot of money, but in fact they were very wealthy.
Having poor friends will limit the hobbies and activities you participate in, but doesn’t remove their ability to be there for you and be a true friend. You may however, have to be okay with cooking in with them, maybe footing the bill, and limiting your hobbies.
Jerry’s Ryan’s Final Thoughts
All I know is that friends are usually people we can relate to and who we share experiences and memories with. They’re people who understand us and treat us with respect which then builds trust and a sense of inclusion. The thing I wonder though, is if money becomes so much of a part of who we are that we can no longer relate to people who are much richer or much poorer than ourselves because it directly affects our lifestyle… well at least for most of us.
In turn, maybe we stay in our current situation so we don’t have to suffer the burden of finding new friends based on the social inpact it has of either going up or down the money ladder. Maybe people purposely stay middle class to avoid jealousy and envy from the friendships they have that matter more to them than money. Maybe your bff’s are only people who are in the same financial bracket as you over the years.
What do you think? Do you have any friends who are significantly richer/poorer than you?
If so, does it affect your relationship with them? Does it bug you in any way?
Image from Elvire-r
I tend to agree with this article. It is really hard to maintain a friendship if you don’t have much in common. If you are rich and want to go on mission trips while others in your same income bracket want to vacation to the Carribbean, it is hard to maintain this friendship as well.
Interesting article, thanks for sharing.
In our family, my twin brother and I out of seven siblings have the highest salaries. Unfortunately, my family has a rough time with money and this has always been a challenge for me to see and try to help them with. One of the main reasons I am networking online so much more nowadays is because there just aren’t many people around me in person that have the same views about life and money that I do. There are a few, but I find it much more rewarding to talk to the folks I am meeting online – particularly… Read more »
First, I have to give a hat tip to Jeremy for the Yakezie! Here’s the rule, I can’t remember where I heard it so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due, you are the average of your 5 closest friends. Think about that. That’s how life works. Just as this article says. You don’t become really close friends with people that are richer or poorer than you. Look at your five closest friends, you are them. As for the real estate example, wouldn’t the incentive then be to build the cheapest house in a wealthy neighborhood? That… Read more »
Sorry I had to come back…I just wanted the trailer to “Envy”. I’ve never even heard of that movie before, it’s looks pretty funny. I’m going looking for it, Jack Black and Ben Stiller, it can’t be too bad can it? Vapoorize, that’s genius.
.-= Evolution Of Wealth´s last blog ..Hidden Gem of Life Insurance Policies =-.
I have friends all over the income scale. I can talk about frugal tricks with the poor and tax tricks and investments with the rich. The “creative class” have all sorts of incomes depending on whether they spend their time composing music or composing credit default swaps. I do however find it hard to be/keep friends who are not on the same level intellectually speaking regardless of how much they make.
.-= Early Retirement Extreme´s last blog ..Marginal earnings, when working is no longer worth it =-.
I have a fairly similar problem, though not NEARLY to the degree as portrayed in Envy (looks pretty funny by the way). Friends of mine often take amazing vacations, stay at their summer house on the Lake Michigan for a couple of weeks over the summer, go on ski trips, etc. Basically things I cannot really relate to. However, we are still great friends, love sports, hanging out, and still have no problem being great friends. I personally do not have a problem with envy and jealousy, but maybe that’s because I’ve been friends with the guy since I was… Read more »
I have to say that most of my friends are in the same income bracket as me, as far as I know. However, I have to agree with Early Retirement Extreme, I think friends do need to be on the same intellectual level. There’s nothing I hate more than trivial, shallow conversations about absolutely nothing. Or whining, I can’t stand whiny people….or the woe is me type. Barf!
.-= Little House´s last blog ..Amazing Home Makeovers =-.
Since I suppose I’m “in the middle,” I’ve had friends on both sides of the spectrum. I think as long as you can participate in the friendship on an intellectual level and spend time together doing things that don’t require a lot of money, it can work. But you’re bound to have differing opinions on money and finances.
.-= RainyDaySaver´s last blog ..Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over Spending =-.
The only time income disparity affected me is when it precluded me from joining in on some fun. But it didn’t change the friendship. One buddy has been poorer than me and richer than me twice! It just doesn’t matter.
btw – You rock the Yakezie! <100k and dropping like a stone.
.-= LeanLifeCoach´s last blog ..Combat the Closing Techniques – Fulfill Your Dreams Close =-.
Ryan, i think a friend is anyone who can help you realise the best of you. And for me, most of those i consider as friends are people with whom i share common initiatives. Most of my friends are of the same social and financial class as me. I may have several relationships, yet very few i consider as friends.
Most of my friends have the same social and financial background as i, and i think it’s best that way. A good friend is one who can help bring out the best of me, hence i don’t see my self over-interacting with people of different initiatives. I do have several relatives, yet limited friends. that’s my point of view
.-= innocriss´s last blog ..Changing Careers at Midlife – Becoming a Successful Online Entrepreneur =-.
Ryan,
I’m with you on your final thoughts; people are friends because of who they are not because of what they have from a material point of view. Or they are my thoughts anyway.
Thanks for sharing such a great post.
Regards
Paul
.-= Paul´s last blog ..When the time is right! =-.
Tough to say. I always like to try looking a little on the poor side, and giving off that vibe to others. I can always adjust up if necessary, but it’s better to just be the underdog.
.-= Financial Samurai´s last blog ..The Best Financial Advice I’ve Ever Heard From A Comedian =-.
Ryan,
It is supposed that from the financial standpoint, it would be convenient for you to be the poorest of your network.
From the friendship standpoint, I think that it is not affected by the income.
Considering the attraction law theory, it doesn’t matter if you are the poorest or the richest of your network, you should be happily sharing woth others. By the way, what you share doesn’t have to be money. It is something more important such as love, apreciation, etc.
All the best,
Boris
.-= Boris´s last blog ..Why smart celebrities seem to say “dumb things” =-.
I agree with Extreme
Same level intellectually is what matters to me. You have to keep me stimulated intellectually for me to even be in your company. Income is not always the factor
When I was in school, my father told me to hang out with people who were as smart or smarter than me. That advice resonates to what Jacob said. During school years, the objective was to motivate and improve my marks. It’s true. As soon as I ‘dumbed it down’, my marks took a hit.
This concept applies in our adult life whether you use income or intellectual level as the parameter. Hanging out with people who whine and complain a lot will change you eventually.
.-= Bytta@151 Days Off´s last blog ..Day 23: Is Travelling Worth Your Money? =-.
[…] ponders BFF-hood with people of another financial bracket. It’s a complicated subject, for sure. And a hard one to really wrap your head around […]
Intriguing topic, but I have to say that I don’t care so much about a person’s net worth as I do about their interests and spending habits. Out of friends and family, we have net worth higher than probably 70-80% of them. But if you look at our spending habits, someone might consider us to be ‘poor’ based on the way we spend, while, in fact we may actually have a much higher net worth. I don’t enjoy consumer culture, so I’m less likely to spend time with people that enjoy tourist-like vacations, eating out, watching TV, talking about cars.… Read more »
I am sure poor and rich comes into factor, but I think spending habits are equally important! You could be making the same money as your friends, but be in different points in your life!
E.g. you may want to start saving to purchase a house, but your friends still are in the partying stage! So even though you make the same money, you cannot afford the same activities as your friends any longer. If they keep at it, then you would naturally end up seeing them less and less.
.-= The Simple Machine´s last blog ..Free Canadian Tax Software =-.
“You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with” Does that mean if I hang out with 5 millionaires all day, I will also become a millionaire? I think its about true for me. So does that mean our income/wealth automatically defines the type or group of people we chose to associate with? I think it just might. I would like to get out of that box mentality of mine to expand my relationships with higher net worth people. Just as in blogging… there are a few people in this group who I know extremely… Read more »
[…] Rich Friends, Poor Friends, Can You Be Their BFF? from @plantingdollars This is a good though-provoking. I’m a believer that you are the average of your five closest friends. Doesn’t mean you can’t change friends. Share and Enjoy: […]
What about friends who don’t want help in regard to money? I try to share insights I come across, like those found on this site, and point out ways we could save money but they don’t seem interested! They won’t even use the coupons I hand them! Yet when we get together several of them want to complain about their financial situation!
I agree… besides with my immediate family the topic is definitely a taboo and just isn’t discussed. Odd to think i’m more comfortable discussing this with complete strangers than people I’ve known my whole life.
That would definitely be the incentive 😉 Just so long as you’re not nearly a comparable to the property, like a shack next to a mansion.
Maybe we should start a networking and friend group called 5closestfriends.com? So we can pick and choose who we’d like to be like… 🙂
Not a bad flick, it’s not life changing, but good if you’re bored and out of movie ideas…
Great point and probably a lot more valid than my post… I wonder also if for many they’re wealthy because they consciously choose to be or if it’s simply a by product of doing something they enjoy for a profession, so it might not have anything to do with their mindset towards money, simply that they enjoy doing things that are more profitable than their counterparts… touche.
Haha, I hope you missed the computer screen with your barfing! I think arrogance and people who play the victim are probably the worse for me, starting to think of barf now myself… 😉
Thanks for stopping by!
Uh huh, and then if they’re differing I suppose it becomes a matter of how strong those opinions are and in the friendship is worth putting those aside… not black and white, like anything.
Yea, it doesn’t allow you to share some experiences which indirectly may create a barrier. You have a history with the person, but possibly starting from scratch you may not have a common bond so it’d be harder to build that relationship.
Lol, thanks… sounds like your buddy is a bit of a roller coaster… Has he shifted focus or careers?
I like that mentality a lot and try to do it myself. I always preferred being the richest guy in the room that everyone thought was the poorest. I guess money only becomes an issue with my friends when they aren’t okay with my lifestyle, which then means they’re not really friends anyways.
Yea, hard to actually reach the level of friend… really hard to come by people who genuinely care for your best interests without wanting anything in return. I’ve found that having a common bond or similar experiences really helps build the friendship so money often makes it harder to create that bond because it’s a point of difference. Just my 2 cents. Have you been friends with your good buddies for a while?
I agree with his comment as well… suppose I’m just wondering if there’s any correlation to the “stimulation” and building of friendships and income levels.
So I should probably hang out with you more if I want a bigger brain huh? 🙂
Haha, you could change your title to the simple n’ snobby in france! But seriously I think the spending habits you mention are actually directly correlated to net worth (millionaire next door anyone?) which means it might mean you agree with friends financial decisions… Maybe spending habits, as you mention are more important to the friendship than the actual net worth. For example I can’t relate to someone who needs abercrombie and fitch to feel good about themselves, not sure if that means I couldn’t be their friend, but it would definitely be harder since it says something about who… Read more »
Yea, I think I actually like the thoughts on spending habits more than the idea of rich vs poor and net worth because of the points you mention. It also says a lot about who you are a the moment more so than your past choices which aren’t who you are today.
Yea, listening to other pf bloggers with higher net worths has been a great experience… maybe I’ll focus most on the highest five 😉
You will be wealthy one day… All I ask is you remember us little guys!
I really see where you’re coming from… have some of that in regards to my own life and honestly I have a tendency to start avoiding either that type of conversation with those friends or even become less likely to hang out with them. Friends are generally like you at least in values and if you have a bunch of complaining friends that don’t take action it’ll drag you down as well which isn’t healthy. I’ve learned that some people just like complaining more than doing anything about their problems.
Ryan, I’ll consider the name change 😉
Do not even get me started on Abercombie and Fitch . . .
Funny thing, I’m actually more educated than most of my friends (I have a masters), yet most of them have gone on to start families and “career” jobs. Instead of jumping on the 9-5 bandwagon right out of school I jumped into the entertainment industry, spent a year or two living in basements and did my thing. I’ve been in and out of 9-5 jobs since then, but always come back to entertainment & self employment. I make pennies to their dollars, but when we all get together they look at me like a rock star, like I’m the guy… Read more »
I have friends at both extremes. The very wealthy tend to obsess over losing their money. The very poor obsess over how they’ll pay their bills. Both live in fear. I’m in the middle and love to do things in moderation.
People from all levels tend to be as happy as they make up their minds to be.
I have one friend who makes a ton more money than I do – she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to shop, go out to dinner, etc all the time. It makes it really difficult to relate to her. Espeically when she gets angry that I can’t do something if it is too expensive. It has forced us apart a little bit, some of that could also be growing up and changing.
Almost all of my friends make more than me, but I am “wealthier” than them because my expenses are generally lower. I have been a victim of feeling jealousy sometimes because of the nice apartments, the ability to splurge and not have it “hurt them” for several paychecks (or even 1 paycheck). But I satisfy myself in knowing that I have a plan for myself: owning property in 2-3 years, saving for retirement like its my job, and living comfortably. That means, not to frugal but not too flashy either. I don’t think I’m the oddball either. I do feel… Read more »
It’s funny how you don’t think about it, but it rings true in my case. I am the sum of my five closest friends. We all did the same thing – went to college, got a 9-5, got married, have kids…and are all around the same income level. Now that I want to be, do, and have more, I feel more like the oddball in the group. Where do we find like minded people who are striving towards the same aspirations like financial freedom? .-= Kristine´s last blog ..Financial Freedom Resources – Tools to Help You Maximize the Assets Around… Read more »
I have no idea where I heard the saying, but I often repeat it,
Your income and net worth is often in the middle of all your friends
Its so true! and actually a few people have said it above.
.-= Evan´s last blog ..First the Alexa Rankings and Then The World =-.
[…] more responsibility or stress because of our success. In my previous post I talked about having rich versus poor friends; If there is a correlation, which several people thought there might be, this means not only your […]
Really good post! One reason I can relate to people I know at a higher income level is that I know about the civic and community projects they are involved in. Since that’s the context in which I see those people most often, we can talk about the fundraiser or the expo booth or the music festival or the historical re-enactment, etc.
.-= Monroe on a Budget´s last blog ..The financial reality for college dropouts =-.
I agree it’s the attitude of the friends not so much the level of incomes or lifestyles that make them my bffs. If some one lives with an attitude of arrogance they tend to appear less appealing to me than someone who’s attitude is more realistic and happy no matter where their bank account levels are. I enjoy spending time with friends who are adaptable to their circumstances no matter where they take them. I admire friends who can live life dumpster diving and scraping the bottom of the barrel if they are happy with the blessings they do have.… Read more »
Looks like MP Dunleavey over at MSN.com touched upon a similar topic. Check it out here. Maybe she read your blog!
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/ManageDebt/how-rich-friends-make-you-feel-poor.aspx
.-= Little House´s last blog ..Tuesday Tips =-.